I think maybe if you have read the items on the blog, the posts, the letters, the poetry, you might find me depressing. I am sorry about that. This blog is a way for me to exercise some of my demons and get some of the chaos out of my head, heart, and soul. I do not mean to worry people or give the impression that I am chronically depressed or miserable. I am not. I have issues, yes, I have a lot of childhood trauma, I have a lot of adult traumas, and I have a lot I am working on. I think a lot of people do. I want people to know you can have all of this and still have a happy life, a good life, a life worth living, I do. There were times when it did not feel like that. I have some really bad days, I have cranky days, I have moody days, and I have days where I am so tired (both physically and the tired is in my soul). Again, this is a place where I hope that after reading some of the things you know, you aren’t alone. I am going to gush now about the things I love; some will make sense, others maybe not.
I love my girl kid; it’s like my heart is outside my body just walking around all willy nilly. She is beautiful, smart, compassionate, respectful, responsible, sarcastic, funny, handful. At this point in time, she is off living her best life away at college. I ask her if she wants to come home, and she pauses, and it’s like she remembers she is supposed to say yes. I also love my bonus kids. These are my best friend’s kids; I have watched them grow up and become who they are. I would do anything I could for them. My daughter’s best friend since 8th grade falls into this category, and the girl who grew up in the house next door to us. There are others, but these are the ones I can say stand out. I am that mom, though, if you have ever walked through my door or through my life and have my number, you call, I am coming, end of story.
I love my tribe. The people who stood by me stood in front of me, who held me up, and at times gave me the hard truths. The ones I run to when the world feels like it is turning against me. I also go to them with my crazy, weird ideas, and they will either be like, ” Hell yeah” or ” Hell no! “(I know which ones to call for the answer I really want.) They can talk me off the ledge or walk beside me with the baseball bat, asking who they need to hurt. In this tribe is my family, both blood and chosen. (These days, I only let in the blood I choose; not all of the blood is good for you.) I will admit I run to them at times when I need reminding that I am safe or that I can do hard things. Everyone knows your family knows you best.
My puppies, well, they are 10 and 6 now, so maybe not really puppies anymore, but to me, always my puppies. I mean, they are always happy to see me and truly love me in this truly amazing, unconditional way. I just have to feed them, give them water, and pet them. Oh, I do have to come home to them. They seem to think every time I leave, I am never going to come home. They get so excited when I walk through that door. I do think at times they love the new man more, even though I had them before we met, but it’s okay because he makes them happy.
I think I should talk about him. I love him. I didn’t want to. I feared love, scared of getting hurt again. I can honestly say I am still scared. The boy who promised to love me changed his mind after 29 years. Yet, he broke through something, broke down something. He is this solid, calming force. He has put up with a lot over the past 1 ½ year, and I mean a lot, because to be honest, I am a lot. I would like to gush about this, but for right now, I am going to keep this just for me.
Other random things I love: good food, a good book, photography, a pretty sky, a day spent with THE NANNY, music I can feel in my soul, girls weekends, time with my kid, taco Tuesdays, wild flowers, making things (currently into junk journaling), sarcasm, really good conversations, sitting on my aunt and uncle’s porch, when my 2010 car starts, when people send me reels or memes because it makes them think of me, a good nap, laying out by the pool, a soft blanket, a hug from the man, a good story from a friend, a good bitch session with the bestie, calling my bonus mom and saying hey can you put on your mom hat, the smell of coconut, a text from my kid, a text from anyone, New Orleans, NYC, West Dover, VT, Anna Maria Island, FL, happy mail, a just because I saw it and it reminded me of you gift, the list is kind of endless.
The one thing I KNOW that I truly love is when the people I love are happy. I love making them happy, I love seeing them happy, I love knowing they are happy. If I could make every one of their dreams come true, I would.
Love you all so big
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